Saturday, 23 July 2016

Twisted - R.L. Stine

An R.L. Stine original before the days of Fear Street, I'm expecting great things from this book bc I froth over anything horror that involves a group of sorority sisters. I'm frothing at the mouth already. 

Me frothing at the mouth

This one doesn't even say point horror so it must be super old! I just checked and it's from 1987. Yay 80s!
The cover is boring, it's literally just a girl looking past the viewer creepily with a dark background.
Okeh. Let's read!!

Meet the crew!

Abby - on par with Martha from Trick or Treat for being the worst character I've read about.
Gabriella - Abby's sister who I like much better and you'll see why in the first paragraph.
Nina - old childhood best friend. Boring. Always crying.
Leila - old high school best friend, stole Abby's boyfriend (good). But we don't like her either that much.
Andrea - the Tri Gamma president.
Jessie - a fatty pledge who has no business being in the Tri Gams. Literally the definition of ANNOYING.
There's more girls but they're boring and not worth mentioning. Let's read on!

Omg I'm on the second page and I already hate our main gal, Abby.
She's angry at her sister Gabriella bc she couldn't care less about an invitation to pledge for the Tri Gams, the most exclusive sorority at Rockland State! It's unclear whether Gabriella got an invitation too or she just doesn't care about Abby's one, but either way she asserts that she has better things to do at college than talk about clothes and worry about which boy will take her to the football game!
Why can't Gabriella be the main character, her priorities are in check and she obviously has good morals.
Anyway Abby is super unimpressed by this and just thinks her sister is jealous. Bc after all, Abby's the prettier one. And the smarter one.
Well that's you're opinion Abby you cunt.
Abby reckons her new haircut is the best she's ever had, but Gabriella soon puts her in her place, saying it's hard to get use to bc it's so short. Hahahahaha good.
Again Abby is angry. Who cares. Gabriella leaves as the mum comes up, she's a nurse and is sick, and she tells Abby her tag is sticking out which sends Abby into yet another anger fit bc no one ever says anything nice about her in the family.
Your mother just saved you the embarrassment of going to pledge at a snobby sorority with your tag hanging out of your shirt, show some gratitude u little shit.
Anyway mum expresses some concern about how Abby will take the news if by chance she doesn't get into the sorority, but Abby's all I'm getting in "no matter what". Okeh.
I hope you're ready for the standard clothes description of our main character bc it sounds gross. An oversized gold sweater over a brown knit skirt over dark patterned tights. That's what Abby's wearing for her first meeting as a pledge. She thinks she looks sophisticated and sexy but all I picture is an acorn or something!
Anyway it's a half hour bus ride to Rockland state from her house, not sure why the bitch doesn't drive but Okeh, and she finally arrives. Exciting! The house is kinda shitty on the inside though apparently. Ok.
She spots Leila, a girl from her past. And naturally Abby is angry about Leila pledging the Tri Gams and thinks things like "how dare she?!" Bc you know, the Tri Gams is Abbey's thing? Ugh I hate her. Oh, she doesn't like Leila bc Leila stole Gordon, Abby's boyfriend a year ago. But it doesn't seem like Abby needs a reason to hate people.
She avoids Leila and bumps into Nina, an old childhood friend of Abbey's, however they grew apart in high school.
Turns out Nina and Leila are roommates on campus. Cool.
And this book is breaking the stereotypes which is kind of nice, bc the way Abby explains Nina makes it seem like she's ugly, but she's captain of the pep team and is on the cheerleader squad, things that seem more like Abby's style judging by her queen bee personality. However Abby was on the school newspaper and wrote poems and shit.
She sure is stuck up and conceited for a nerd!
Leila spots Abby in the conference room and hurries over to say hi but (un)luckily Abby is saved by the bell when a Tri Gam girl demands attention at the front of the room. I want more awkwardness for Abby!
She plonks herself down next to a redhead girl who introduces herself as Rebecca Reeves.
The Tri Gam girl on stage introduces herself as Andrea, the president of the sorority this year, as Abby thinks some more about Nina and Leila and Gordon. Leila and Abby were best friends until the former stole Gordon from the latter. I'm sure you deserved it Abby!
While Andrea talks, an overweight girl, Jessie, who made no effort to dress up for the occasion barges in, apologising for being late bc her bassoon lesson went over. Hahahaha Okeh. Rebecca mentions she's the sister of a Tri Gam, and they're automatically pledged, although not always accepted.
Andrea continues her speech and informs the girls that of the 10 at the meeting, only 5 will become members. But that's not all. In order to find out who's deserving and who's not ready, the girls will be taken to another town where they must commit a crime with the rest of their sisters. Because being a Tri Gam is a lifelong commitment. And this will show who's loyal enough to be a Tri Gam sister. Cooool.
Nina and Abby grab a coffee afterwards, although Abby admits to herself it's just so she can hopefully hear more about Gordon. Bitch.
They ponder about whether Andrea was serious about the crime, but the conversation soon turns to Leila and Gordon, bc Nina is worried that homewrecker Leila might get dragged down by Gordon who has no job no money and no plans. Lameeee. Apparently Nina even saw them making out in the back of his car after midnight!! She states that campus police could kick her out of school for that, but really? We don't have college in Australia but that seems a bit stupid. Kissing someone in a car gets you kicked out of school? Do you really have that little freedom in America? Okeh.
They're interrupted by Jessie, the fatty pledge, who sits herself down and starts yammering away. She's super excited about the crime, practically drooling on the table over it. Aw hunny.
Abby and Nina soon depart, they're not huge fans of Jessie it seems.
Well anyone Abby doesn't like is fine by me, hehe! Outside the coffee shop Abby looks back inside at Jessie who's playing with a knife with a sinister smile on her face. Spooky!
Cut to Nina now who's just arrived back in her dorm to find an angry Leila waiting for her. Leila is angry that Nina was having coffee with her biggest enemy, and also gives her a present to help her with her spying. Opening it, Nina discovers it's binoculars, and finds out that Leila thinks she was watching her and Gordon for 20 minutes in the back of the car the other day. Oh god Leila is as bad as Abby! :(
Arguing about Abby, it's revealed to the reader that after Gordon chose Leila over her, Abby's mother took her out of school for a year because she was so upset about it and told everyone she was living at her grandmother's for a while. Not sure how she got into college then but Okeh.
Then Leila leaves her traitorous roommate in the dorm and storms out for the night.
Meanwhile Abby arrives home to find Gabriella waiting for her in the dark. Creep? Gabriella wants to hear all about the meeting, but Abby blows her off and starts to head to bed before Gabriella asks her if she's going to commit the crime.
Abby ignores her and continues to her room but wonders how she knew about it.
And she's super surprised to find someone waiting for her in her room.
It's Gordon!! Do people sneak into each other's houses as often as they do these books or? I'm seriously curious.
This note just fell out of the book:

Idk who these boys are but they sound like my kinda guys, hehe!

Back to the story and Gordon quickly jumps over to Abby and puts his hand over her mouth telling her not to scream. Abby internalises how for a moment she wishes he'd keep it there and I think that this book will have a steamy sex scene but then he removes his hand and I'm left with an awkward boner. Okeh.
We get the inevitable clothing description and basically Gordon looks like he's been living in his jeans and stained shirt for weeks.
And he has filthy long hair, much like all the love interests in these books. Lame.
Abby reckons he looks like an unwashed Sean Penn................................……………
He wants to apologise for last year.
I'm assuming that this the sorority meeting was the first real public appearance Abby's made in a while if he's only apologising now and Nina and Leila were so surprised to see her.
Oh well.
He barely apologises, or says anything really, but Abby's in love again and moves in for pash which he quickly returns. I hate them both. Is it really stealing someone's boyfriend if you're stealing him back from the person who stole him from you? I feel like we're in Beverly Hills 90210 or something. So much drama already!
A week later and Abby's on a mini bus with the other Tri Gams arriving at their mansion for the weekend, and the time is 10:30pm. 3 girls decided not to come, too scared of the crime possibility. Lame. On the bus ride, Abby notices how Nina and Leila aren't talking to each other (still?), and a girl named Emily who loves literally everything had sat next to Abby while Jessie continued to be annoying up the back. A quick meeting inside sees the girls split up into their rooms, and naturally Abby has to room with Leila. But Leila is being super nice so all g. Jessie kicks up a fuss about needing her own room, so Andrea allows it, and everyone goes to bed straight away. Jessie talks like Annie Wilkes from Misery and I love it.
The mansion is in a small beach town with super creative shop names like "Del's Deli" and the "Old Fashioned New Fashion Store" which only attracts people during the summer, so it's more like a ghost town now that it's winter. Andrea takes them walking through the town, telling them to memorise everything, until they come upon an antique store, which they enter and are greeted by a little old lady named Marie.
Leila and Abby are still being super friendly to eachother too. Boring.
Marie disappears to answer a phone call and Andrea tells the girls again to take note and memorise everything, and points out the register and the side exit, because tomorrow they're going to steal the extravagant jewels protected by a glass case and the money in the till.
Is that REALLY what the crime is?! I was hoping they'd kill someone fml.
Andrea cuts them all off from speaking about it until the meeting tonight, where it will also be decided who'll be carrying the gun. Oooooooooh intense.
That night before the meeting, Nina warns Abby not to trust Leila just bc she's being nice to her, and tells her Leila is mad bc she thinks Nina was spying on her and Gordon. Get over it Leila!
Andrea walks in to the room and explains to all the girls the plan to tie Marie up and steal from the shop, with fake number plates on the bus so as not to be tracked.
Andrea's not worried about the police bc she reckons they'll be fat and lazy.
Then they draw straws to see who the lucky girl is that gets to carry the gun!
And it's Nina! Yay.
One girl, Ruby, refuses to draw a straw, and Andrea opts to leave her behind at the mansion during the heist bc there's no phones to call anyone and she can't go anywhere until the rest of them are leaving anyway. Ruby you pussy.
In bed that night, Leila and Abby are discussing the Tri Gams when Gordon climbs through the window!
Super in love Abby dashes over to give him a hug but he steps past her and embraces Leila, his girlfriend. Hahahahahahahahahaha yes you go Gordon. Leila gives Abby a weird look and Abby wants to die of embarrassment.
If only you would Abby! If only you would.
Leila and Gordon sneak off for a few hours while Abby fails to sleep.
In the morning the girls head to the antique shop on the bus.
Rebecca, the redhead, is I'm charge of tying up Marie. Abby overheads Andrea telling a worried Nina that the gun only had blanks in it.
I bet she's lying and I bet Nina will kill Marie but accident! Yolooo. I hope there's deaths in this book otherwise boringggggg.
Anyway the girls head in to the shop with instructions to be out before 3 minutes, and to come out and board the bus slowly, naturally.
They heat inside while Andrea waits with the bus, and Nina points the gun straight into Marie's face, who is super shocked and scared.
Jessie is super into the heist, Leila is vocal about her opinion of it being a joke, and reckons Marie is in on it too, but Nina is too nervous! Jessie swipes the gun off her and takes charge, and no sooner than that does poor old Marie die of a heart attack. Hahahahaha. Oops.
The girls quickly head back to the mansion on the bus to gather their thoughts, where Andrea decides she had no responsibility for the situation bc she wasn't inside when Marie died. Biiiiiiitch. She then decides to walk to the nearest house and call the police, and the girls protest but Jessie stops her with force. Jessie is literally Annie Wilkes, just like her she's completely changed her mood in a split second it's great!
Leila again tries to convince everyone it's all a joke but Andrea is reassuring that it's not, and agrees to take some time out for everyone to think over what happened and all agree that the police need to get involved. So they go back to their rooms, with Jessie deciding to make sure Andrea doesn't sneak away.
In Leila and Abby's room, the pair tries to comfort a distraught Nina when Jessie appears and tries to convince them it's not all a joke, bc she examined the body and Marie was definitely dead (Or you know, Jessie's in on the joke too?).
She then Takes Nina back to her room, and Leila quickly turns on Abby, asking if there's anything going on between her and Gordon!
Abby's all "of course not" and starts applying some make up as the girls get into a heated argument, with Leila firing up and telling Abby to stay away from Gordon and Abby surprising Leila by flaring up and telling her not to threaten her. Oooooh tough. Lel.
Leila exits and then Gabriella appears, saying she followed them and is there for a completely different reason that is definitely not to embarrass Abby she says. But she leaves before telling Abby the reason so Abby rubs red lipstick all over her own face. Ok?
Meanwhile Jessie and Nina are out on the porch discussing the situation and Jessie is weirdly confident that they don't have to worry about Andrea. Then they hear a gunshot and Nina spots Gordon running through the weeds near the dunes. Jessie decides the gunshot was probably just hunters, bc it's duck season, and then they go back inside to finish the meeting.
The girls are all tense and angry at eachother and struggle to have a conversation, but then after a while Abby realises Andrea's not there. It took you all that long to realise the one person who wants to go to the police is missing? Ok.
They search for her in her room and find her dead, apparently shot. Uh oh.
I feel like Nina and Jessie would have realised that the gun shot they heard came from inside and not from across the dunes but what do I know?
There's a storm brewing so naturally the lights go out and the girls get candles. Abby's quick to blame Jessie for Andrea's murder, and the rest of the girls follow suit except for Nina who sticks up for her, mentioning seeing Gordon fleeing the house earlier, so he must have killed her.
Abby smiles at this and Leila's in denial. Then someone bangs on the door. Oooh! I'm scared!
Never fear friends, it's just old mate Gordon, dripping wet in sexy double denim. Yummmmmm.
Nina immediately accuses him of the murder and even though he denies it the girls decide to lock him in a room upstairs for a while.
But not before Abby makes a fool of herself telling everyone that he was there to see her and spent the previous night in her room, not because he wanted to kill Andrea. But he denies this too, and Leila feels bad bc Abby genuinely believes her own story. Yoloooo.
After Gordon is locked up, big fat Jessie tries to calm a hysteric Nina down by offering her half of a chocolate bar (eat your feelings Hun) and Nina begins to suspect Jessie of foul play bc she's so calm.
Meanwhile Abby and Leila decide to have a chat about Gordon. Leila enters their bedroom to find Abby sitting at the desk with fresh makeup on. Abby turns around and grins at her, and then tells Leila that Abby is gone, and she is in fact, Gabriella.
And now I'm gonna jump to conclusions and assume Abby went super crazy last year, killed her own sister, came back and has split personality, taking on Gabriella has a persona to make up for her guilt. I hope I'm right. This book is boring.
I spoke to soon bc Leila's like "Abby doesn't have a sister?" So I reckon Gabriella is still a result of split personality but she was just never a real person. After a brief discussion where Gabriella tells Leila that she's super loyal to her sister and promised to always look after her, she aims an apparently real gun she brought from home at Leila's head.
Meanwhile Nina and the rest f the girls discover a phone cord even though Andrea had said there were no phones and follow it to find it detached from anything. The decide to look for a phone though bc obviously someone has hidden it!! Then they hear a crash and other sounds from the basement and decide to investigate!
Meanwhile Gabriella/Abby has forced Leila down to the smelly old basement to kill her with the gun as revenge for stealing Gordon. She reasons that no one will hear the gunshot bc she shut the basement door behind her.
What? Ok...
She's just about to pull the trigger when... Gordon stops her! Yay go Gordon!
He informs Leila that Gabriella is Abby's other personality (duh) and this is what happened last time. He keeps calling her Abby hoping it will bring her back to the surface, but Gabriella reckons she'll just kill Gordon too bc he broke all of his promises to Abby. And then she rambles on about it all being broken and now it all makes sense why Abby is always saying that too! Gee I love when plot points are realised!
The other girls have finally come downstairs and after some confusion where they think Gordon is attacking Abby and not the other way around they realise Abby is the deranged one!
And then surprise surprise ANDREA AND MRS. DRIFTWOOD APPEAR!
Yes, it was all a joke bc the real test of the weekend was not the crime but to test the girls' courage! Hurrah!
I saw that coming but I didn't say anything bc I didn't want to be wrong again and of course I was right! Laaaaame.
But of course Abby and Gabriella weren't part of the plan and Andrea feels bad and goes to uncover the phone from its hiding place to call the police. Nina vows to get rid of this tradition of hazing the new pledges, and everyone goes upstairs while Nina stays with her friend Abby, still being Gabriella. Before she goes, Jessie informs Nina she was in on it the whole time and that's why she was so calm!
Upstairs, Leila decides she doesn't want to be a Tri Gam and I don't really care but Okeh.
As the ambulance arrives, they find her split personalities conversing as they lead her to the vehicle and the book ends.

I'm so let down by this book. No deaths? The cliched prank ending?
The split personality?
LAME. Not what I want in my sorority horror novels. I'm angry.

2 Jessie's eating every time she's mentioned out of 10.

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